FleshEating Weasels and Vampiric Ant Eaters
by The MonkeyHeaded Saffire
Summary: The X-men face their most dangerous foe yet!Come on read...at least look at our profile.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer – We the MonkeyHeaded Saffire do not own the X Men, .nor do we own Regis Philbin...Though we wish we did, because we'd like to feed them to our slowly growing pack of rabid weasels! (Is this good?)  
  
Two young girls sit in two overstuffed aristocratical red velvet chairs drinking tea  
  
Sipping her "tea," one begins to speak, "Hello I am the Magnificent Malicious MonkeyHead!"  
  
The other smiles, "and I am the Superior Seductive Saffire."  
  
MonkeyHead turns to Saffire and pouts, "No! I'm superior."  
  
Saffire rolls her eyes, "No I am, MonkeyHead we've been through this before remember alliteration?"  
  
"Oh yeah. Anyway I am MonkeyHead and that's Saffire and this is our pack of rabid flesh eating weasels."  
  
A large red curtain opens and a pack of rabid flesh eating weasels is shown with a very frighten Toad dangling above them.  
  
"Hey this isn't fair, yo!" The curtain closes.  
  
Both girls grin and announce in unison, "And this is our Co Written story!"  
  
Saffire drinks deeply one pinky raised, "Mmm, Dr. Pepper." The curtain opens again now all of the X men who were ever created are standing within the space.  
  
"And this is our Cattle call!" MonkeyHead takes out a list of names and frowns, "Wait a minute...Superman why are you standing on our makeshift stage? You are not a mutant...in fact you're not even a character from Marvel, your DC!"  
  
"But I can fly and have eye beams, super strength, and I'm invincible!" Cyclops, Angel, Wolverine and Colossus roll their eyes.  
  
"Get out of here we have no need for you." Superman flies away dejectedly.  
  
"Anyway, here are the people who are going to be in our story Scott, Jean, Rogue, Piotr, Kitty, Toad, St. John, and Remy."  
  
Wolverine looks confused, "Hey Bub, you can't have an X Men story with out me I'm the heart and soul of the X men!"  
  
"Not to mention our primary money maker," Magneto mumbles to a nodding Professor Xavier. Saffire garbs the list and rechecks it.  
  
"Nope sorry Wolvie you're not on our roster." Wolverine smirks.  
  
"No I'm not."  
  
"Well...." Saffire snaps her fingers and a barrage of flesh eating weasels descends on Logan, "Better luck next story!"  
  
Logan flees from the room bellowing, "I'll be back!"  
  
The people who have not been called leave the room in a unified huff. Cyclops, Jean Gray, Shadowcat, Colossus, Toad, Pyro, Rogue, and Gambit all begin to cheer.  
  
"Uh excuse me guys I wouldn't be cheering, "Saffire proclaims.  
  
"Yeah those people got off easy. We're going to torture you till there's no tomorrow...or something like that," MonkeyHead interjects. Saffire and MonkeyHead begin to laugh demonically as the predestined group of young mutants begins to pale and huddle together.  
  
"And now on to your demise...I mean our story." 


	2. If I Had A Hot Dog

It was an early morning at the mansion.  
  
Rogue wandered down to the kitchen to get something to eat, but what she found in there horrified and disgusted her. It was Scott and Jean in the kitchen making sweet talk.  
  
She made a face and then grabbed a bowl of Lucky Charms. She sat down to eat, reading the box.  
  
Jean and Scott gave her a funny look.  
  
"What? I like 'em!" Rouge argued; Scott and Jean just giggled to each other. "They're always making fun of me lucky charms," Rogue whispered.  
  
She suddenly noticed that Jean and Scott have gotten quiet, she looked at them. Jean was sitting there smiling deviously, and Scott was no where to be seen.  
  
"What are you two-" Rogue was cut off ,as the cereal box was snatched away from her.  
  
"They're my lucky charms now!," Scott laughed hysterically and ran out of the kitchen; his laughter was heard for a few more minutes before it abruptly stopped and there was a dull thud. Jean looked on, worried.  
  
Remy waltzed in, carrying the box.  
  
"What? He was tryin ta steal de best cereal in de world," Remy shrugged and poured himself a bowl.  
  
Suddenly Remy began to feel him self rise off the floor.  
  
"Merdee, " he shouted, " Dis is it! Remy finally has learned how to fly!"  
  
"Uhhh not exactly, Tovarisch," Piotr turned him around so they were face to face, "You should not steal a woman's cereal ...it is improper."  
  
"It wasn't a woman, it was Scott!"  
  
"Oh...What's the difference?" Piotr let go, "I thought you were stealing cereal from my Katya." "Huh what," Kitty phased into the room, "I feel my ears burning!"  
  
"Uhhh...ummm...nothing Kitty," Piotr's face began to turn red, "Nothing at all."  
  
"Hey we should go to a movie," Remy sauntered over to Rogue and put one arm around her, "Tink about it Chere, de popcorn, de dimmed lights, de romantic atmosphere, de making out...."  
  
"Stop that, Swamp Rat," Rogue replied, pulling away, "though going to the movies might be fun...."  
  
"Oooo. That does sound fun," Jean commented, forgetting about Scott, "what should we go see?"  
  
"I think we should go see," Rogue rubbed her head, "the re-showing of Babe 2!! That little pig is so cute!"  
  
"Babe 2?," everyone echoed. "Why would we want to see that?"  
  
"Like ah said, the pig is cute!" Rouge said angrily, fixing the room with a glare, "And if I don't see all five of ya there, I'll drain the life completely outta ya!" She stood threateningly next to the table. Everyone shrank away. There was a shuffling of feet to the door.  
  
"What did I just get threatened into doing," Scott asked.  
  
"We're going to the movies," Jean sighed.  
  
Scott got a happy look on his face, as his mind ran to the same place Remy's had gone.  
  
LATER AT THE MOVIES (Dun Dun Dunnnnnnn)  
  
"This movie, like, sucks!" Kitty complained.  
  
Rogue looked at her threateningly, removing one glove.  
  
Kitty's eyes widened and she shrank against the back of her seat. "It's not like there's anyone else here that I'll, like, ruin the movie for," Kitty complained quietly.  
  
"I agree, Katya," Piotr agreed.  
  
"Oui," Remy agreed quietly, "I have a mind to go and explode the screen myself!"  
  
"Do that, and you'll find yourself missin tomorrow, Swamp Rat!" Rogue growled. The small group that made up the entire audience sighed.  
  
"Jean," Scott whispered after a long silence, "Do you hear something? Other than the movie I mean." Jean listened for a moment then shook her head. Scott shrugged.  
  
Suddenly, to everyone's delight, except for Rogue, more than three dozen flesh eating weasels chewed their way through the screen.  
  
"What the Hell?" Rogue shouted, "this isn't part of the movie!"  
  
"Like, who cares!," Kitty yelled at Rogue, "There's more than, like, three dozen starving, crazed weasels up there! And they're, like, coming fast! Run!"  
  
So the X-Men's most prized members turned tail and ran from a bunch of weasels. On the way out, Jean stopped at the ticket booth.  
  
"Ok, look," she complained, "right in the middle of our movie, a bunch of weasels broke the screen and I want my money back!" As she whined, she didn't notice the weasel that was sneaking up behind her. It clamped its jaws onto her rear end. She screamed in pain and ran after her friends, the weasel hanging on with its teeth the whole time.  
  
As they fled in terror, Piotr looked at who ran next to him. He was surprised to see Pyro and Toad running alongside them.  
  
"Why are you running?" he asked them. Pyro shrugged and Toad smirked.  
  
"It seemed like fun at the time, yo," he said matter-of-factly.  
  
Pyro just nodded. Piotr just shook his head and kept running. Suddenly Scott stopped running.  
  
"Wait a minute! We're the X-Men! We shouldn't be running, we should be fighting!" Scott turned to face the evil flesh-eating weasels. A few shots from his ruby-quartz glasses took care of quite a few. A couple of cards from Remy took out some more, and Jean's telekineticly hurled objects took out others.  
  
"You may be able to handle just the weasels...but can you handle flesh eating weasels AND vampiric ant eaters?" came a frightfully familiar voice. Suddenly a new wave of weasels came at them accompanied by some vampiric anteaters.  
  
"What a minute who is that voice?" Scott questions squinting behind ruby quartz. He sees a certain group of deviants in the comer of his eye, "The Brotherhood!"  
  
Lance, Wanda, Pietro and Freddy look up from their just bought ice creams confused, "Huh ...what?" They are so puzzled that they are not ready for Scott's powerful eye beam and they fly up into the air on contact. "Ahhhhhh!"  
  
Piotr hurled a large rock at them, "Shake this Avalanche!"  
  
Jean rolled her eyes at Piotr and Scott, "Was that really necessary?" Then she remembered that she had a flesh-eating weasel attached to her butt. "Ahhhh get it off! Get it off!" The fight continued, but the X-men didn't think they could win.  
  
"Yea, mate! Time for me ta play!" Pyro yelled. He made a very, very big heard of horses that begin stopping all over the group of flesh...evil critters, thus scattering them.  
  
"Ok, that's it," the familiar voice said, "I'm really getting rather sick of this." A small hissing was heard and a cloud of yellow gas was seen covering the X-men. All eight fell to the ground unconscious.  
  
Evil cackling was heard from a nearby helicopter. "Who did a good job, Mr. Snowflake?" It said in baby tones, "Who did a good job?"  
  
............................................................................ ................................  
  
Who's doing this evil cackling? Who is 'Mr. Snowflake'? Do you people even care? Do you people even like our story? And why the hell am I talking like this? Anyway if you people like, review and you will get more story, don't review and you won't get more...it depends on you. 


	3. Dollars Against Rubles?

Chapter 2  
Dollars against Rubles?  
Syc- Yay! A review ...glad you like it! *Saffire steps in, reads review* You DARE command the MonkeyHeaded Saffire?! DIE! *MonkeyHead holds Saffire back and gives her some more Dr.Pepper*  
Now on to the story.....  
"Ugh Remy don like dis, "muttered the infamous Rajun Cajun, as he struggled against his metal bonds. For a moment he considered trying to charge himself out of them and then he saw who was bond in the chair next to him and all thought escaped from his mind as he tried to scoot closer.  
"Cheri, "he exclaimed with the happiness of a thousand koala bears.  
Rogue opened her eyes and blinked once, twice, three times.....  
"What the Hell?"  
"Like yeah I was thinking the same thing, "replied Kitty who was desperately trying to faze to no avail.  
Suddenly a loud wail rang through the corridors of the mysterious cell,  
"My Flame throwers! Oh god they took my flame throwers and the put me next to Toad! The horror! The horror! "  
"Hey, "miffed Toad insulted at the erratic flame manipulator, "I just showered last month. "  
"Mmm now turn a little to the left my Katya, ah yes now I can see the naked curve of your breast perfectly."  
"Huh Peter wake up! Something weird is going on." , the previously mentioned Katya shouted , shaking the sleeping man/boy.  
"Huh..." Colossus woke up, the blissful smile quickly slid off his face, "I...I wasn't dreaming about anything dirty ...I...I am but an innocent farm boy."  
"Relax hommie, no one cares about your odd fantasies, plus I don tink she's even paying attention."  
"Huh what, "questioned ShadowCat who was still trying to change her molecular structure.  
Cyclops decided to immediately take leadership, even though he was in the same embarrassing position as everyone else.  
"Ok now we need to find some plan to get out of this, ok Jean you try your best to find out whose doing this, Remy your try to charge your self out of your bonds, Peter you try to break yourself out of yours, Kitty I think it's obvious what I want you to do, and Rogue......uh you just keep scowling."  
"Oh shut up leader-boy!" Toad's voice echoed down the hall, along with whimpers from St. John.  
"Right! Yeah! Come on guys lets do this the X Men way!" cried Jean, who was the only person that was paying attention to Scott. Or at least she was until she noticed that the flesh-eating weasel was still ever so painfully attached to her butt.  
"Ahhhhh! Flesh eating weasel! Get it off! Get it off! "  
"I don't think you'll be able get the flesh eating weasels off your behind so easily, my weasels have been trained with all the best flesh eating tactics," mused a mysterious figure .  
A unifies gasp was heard throughout the room.  
"I know you, you're that one guy!" Scott yelled, "From that one show! Oh! What was it!"  
"I believe it's called 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire", my tovarisch," Colossus helped his friend, though no one was listening.  
"Oh, yea! I, like, totally know who you're talking about," Kitty chimed in, "Alex Trebec!" The mysterious man crossed his arms with a huff.  
"No, that's another show...he's Pat Sajack!" Rouge quipped. The man got angry.  
"No! No! He's Brad Sherwood!" Jean called excitedly.  
"NO I AM NOT! I AM REGIS PHILBIN!" The man screamed furiously. "And that is the reason why I have kidnapped you! No one recognizes me!" Regis huffed. "And since you have made me feel so dejected, I shall sic my flesh eating weasels on everyone who misidentified me."  
Next chapter we find out why Regis kidnapped them, and also how truely evil Regis can be... if you don't want to wait try reading: Do you want fries with that?, Loss of Clothing in Las Vegas: The Pyro Chronicles, StrongBad Evolution ....A different Kind of parody, So you want to be an X Man ( now taking Oc submissions), or The caged bird sings all by MonkeyHead.If you want to read something by Saffire (aka Nite Sky) read A Friend's Friend Woooooo that was one hell of a random plug  
*Saffire finishes her Dr. Pepper and decides to address the readers* Oh yes and please don't forget to review...I like reviews and if I don't get my review fix, then I get kinda homicidal :) So please update...I'd hate to see you meet our pretty flesh eating weasels. See ya next chapter. 


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